The Official Candy Report has a unique, but robust rating system. Below is the break down of this renowned rating system:
1. The Halloween Spice Drops Award Of Awesomeness
There is no more perfect candy for the award saluting the best in all of football. The classic color combination of Orange and Black glisten in the fall sunlight while their crisp, sharp flavors bite through the cold of the dark and frigid latter months of the football season. Sure, black licorice tastes like part of a work boot that got left on the ground so that a dog could chew on it and then bury it later, but it is also the only candy that comes in bulk and has the fantastic Beavers color combination. Unlike the costume wearers to the south, Oregon State University has so much magnetism and class that an entire holiday patterned its colors after the fighting Beavers of Corvallis, Ore. When kids say “Trick or Treat” the treat is a metaphor for the joy of a true Beaver fan walking through life knowing they they are the only sports fans that really know what sports are about.
2. The Jujifruit Award of Diligent Improvement
Everyone starts somewhere, but where you end up is what counts. While countless Beavers super stars have started out as relative unknowns, or worse yet, players known for mistakes and poor play, they have all ended up as pieces of Beaver Nation’s heart. This is the award that celebrates the constant drive to be better than the day before and to seek the elusive pinnacle of performance. So basically if you have a good game, you might get this award! And while Jujifruits do include dreaded green and yellow options, it also has the blessed orange and black ones too! So you can use the crappy colors as punishment for your kids or gifts for people who you have a hard time telling “I am totally annoyed by you.”
3. The Good N’ Plenty Award of Shame or Actions that Diminish Your Sport of Choice
This award usually goes to Ducks players, Ducks fans, Ducks coaches, or refs. It rarely (once in the five-year history of The Candy Report) goes to a Beavers player or coach. In fact, it rarely goes to players unless they do something off the field that deserves the pansiest and grossest candy known to man. May its lavender, white, and pink taste bud horror show rain on its recipients like fleas on cats. Good N’ Plenty (and the award) is also are a great gift for someone you want to break up with if they are having a hard time getting the hint.